When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
