We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize