I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
