You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
