I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
