$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
