High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
