I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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