I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
