I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
