my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
