omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
