Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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