There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
