Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
