at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
That's when you crack a 10am beer
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
