I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
