I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
where am i from again
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
