So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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