i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
