she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
