just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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