I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
