lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize