atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
