wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
