My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
