my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
