i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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