we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
