I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my being single is dangerous.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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