He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
