there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
