Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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