Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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