i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
