Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
