So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
