Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize