I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize