Your mouth is God's brothel.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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