I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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