i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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