so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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