I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
