If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
