I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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