My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
