and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
