i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
