The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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