I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
