they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
