Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
