I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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