I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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