Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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