DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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