thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
