All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
