I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You are a genius and a whore.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
