I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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