the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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